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[08 Apr 2009|02:08am]

[February, 1936]
Mr. and Mrs. Roosevelt.
Wash. D. C.

Dear Mr. President:

I'm a boy of 12 years. I want to tell you about my family. My father hasn't worked for 5 months. He went plenty times to relief, he filled out application. They won't give us anything. I don't know why. Please you do something. We haven't paid 4 months rent, Everyday the landlord rings the door bell, we don't open the door for him. We are afraid that will be put out, been put out before, and don't want to happen again. We haven't paid the gas bill, and the electric bill, haven't paid grocery bill for 3 months. My brother goes to Lane Tech. High School. he's eighteen years old, hasn't gone to school for 2 weeks because he got no carfare. I have a sister she's twenty years, she can't find work. My father he staying home. All the time he's crying because he can't find work. I told him why are you crying daddy, and daddy said why shouldn't I cry when there is nothing in the house. I feel sorry for him. That night I couldn't sleep. The next morning I wrote this letter to you. in my room. Were American citizens and were born in Chicago, Ill. and I don't know why they don't help us Please answer right away because we need it. will starve Thank you.

God bless you.

Chicago, Ill.


surprise! characterization [20 Feb 2009|07:16pm]
Ordinary swells
folding together, like hands;
search, dangerous rogue!


radiohead [26 Oct 2008|02:50am]
when I listen to "idioteque" and "how to disappear completely" now, I don't get those "desperately trying to relive old memories" connotations - at the same time, I still get the warm fuzzy feelings

about a new girl, though
there's nothing perverse in doing what works, even if it looks like an attempted reenactment

well it is a reenactment
I want to have that happen again, but not with the same person


golden age [28 Sep 2008|02:37am]
cavern waterfall
each drop echoes hundredfold
roar of a deluge

pretty schizophrenic lately
tbh, sometimes, I don't really know which internal voice is "all me"
good idea train of thoughts saying the opposite things at the same time

we're on a park bench
stars; hidden, whispering, cold
crushed together; stars

2 Came | Speak

EMOJOURNAL ARCHIVE [26 Sep 2008|01:28am]
fuck strikethroughs btw
saving these three here:

Cascade of lightning
Seen from its foot, starkly lit
Mountain in the storm

Clouds drum the tower
Gray lands under darker skies
Men flee from raindrops

Ochre blurs, beat of wings
Bound in a thick azure shroud
Drone of wildflowers

AND THEN a new one:
(in a bit, after I decide how ambiguous I want to be about the subject matter)


doubt [23 Jul 2008|11:01am]

I get deja vu writing about certain topics.

When I'm about to make some revelation about one of the stories, it's been kicking around unrealized for a couple days. I get frustrated and I can't remember little details I've been working on. Nothing feels "good enough", correct enough, to put down in my notes. Eventually, I end up chain-listening to one track or another until I can coax the story detail out of hiding.

What I actually realized this time was how infinite and wild and cosmic the world was before it was abandoned by its creator. I saw lots of pretty, sparkly things, lots of strange landscapes, and it really drove home how depraved and so far gone the world had become as it and the Gideon Avatar started to degrade.


DIRECTIVE? [14 Jul 2008|06:25pm]

So I'm pretty sure the artificial gravity system used in the movie Wall-e (on both the Axiom starship and on EVA) used a variable mass core to achieve flight, but the applications are different in both instances.

EVA's gravity field works against other objects in a limited range to power some sort of reactionless drive; it directs the force of gravity against another object and pushes off that object. She goes from motionless to breaking the sound barrier almost instantly, early on, and goes that same speed in space when able to act against the Axiom; it also makes sense that EVA would need a transport vessel with combustion-based rockets to break free of a planet's gravity and to travel back to the Axiom; once she's far enough from Earth, there's nothing for her own directed gravitational field to act against.

EVA's method of flight is not implied to be magnetic or static-based; there is no visible energy discharge, and her drive works in space FAR from the Axiom.

The Axiom has a much larger gravity field that seems to be acting on an earth-like scale; this again implies both a supermassive and supercompact object, as well as some method of energy maniuplation to amplify / contain the effects of the gravity. I imagine a giant black stone in a "reactor", with insane quantities of energy (probably Zero Point Energy, free energy, the science dismissing energy of the universe) being funneled into some sort of containment rig; the Axiom uses traditional rocket boosters, just like EVA's transport, but can go to a very fast speed without killing everyone aboard by increasing their mass to biologically lethal limits. It's not neccessary to assume the speed of light is achieved, because there isn't an actual distance from earth given to compare the travel time against; but it is STRONGLY hinted at that they travel faster than the speed of light, temporarily, seeing that the ship is "parked" next to a strange nebula.

Without requiring some sort of wormhole tunneling effect taking place, it's possible that the Axiom temporarily lowers it's mass to almost nothing, fires its boosters to maintain a linear heading, and then fires its "gravity drive" against some stationary object in the universe; some moon orbiting a planet, some sun, something that can resist the massive force sent slamming against it for a short period of time. It might knock these celestial objects out of alignment; it would fit with the politics of the movie if every time the ship exceeded lightspeed, it had to "litter" by knocking some moon or planetoid or star off course with a directed column of gravity.

If you do assume there's a wormhole at work, then the mass of the ship is still lessened by the gravity maintainment field to facilitate a faster travel time.

Even people who know what they're talking about aren't really sure how gravity works, so I don't feel like a total fucking jackass for writing this down. It's really pretty, really soft sci-fi.

4 Came | Speak

if I finally lose it, I think I will hear Allegro over a radio or soundsystem, and that will be the trigger that sends me careening off into mad hatter / white rabbit territory


don't they know [28 May 2008|03:26am]

all the things I want for myself are actually things I want for other people
I want to be the one that loves, so I'm loved
all my sins and errors are now outward facing


embarassing [23 May 2008|03:27pm]

new Nine Inch Nails album songs kind of reflect what I'm going for with Story 2 and my main character in that
shameful, but

I took a concept from the song Echoplex and mashed it up with a technological control concept for a room that works to remote controlled an android body / function as an emergency personal teleportation chamber. The room "picks up and moves" and takes up another close enough empty space with the same or greater dimensions.

"nice and high and far apart
just like they said
i built this place with broken parts
just like they said
you chip away the old version of you
you'd be surprised at what you can do
i'm safe in here  
just like they said

my voice just echoes off these walls"

opens with some saul williams niggy tardust style drum machine sequencing, it's pretty cool
but yeah, the subject matter of the song is retreating back to a room to come up with new things
be safe and protected from people
watch them try to get in, making sure they can't

It's pretty nuts that the songs are much better than their lyrics

I'm not saying the shit is eloquent or anything, it just seems to reflect some of the "texture" and mental processes of that main character: 

Head Down:
"hey you
what you running from?
all your hate
what you've become
bet you didn't think
it would happen to you
all used up
half way through"

same song, the chorus, with that nice guitar effect going on, and a nice bit of singing
"and this is not my face
and this is not my life 
and there is not a single thing here
i can recognize
this is all a dream
and none of you are real
i'll give anything
i'll give anything"

1 Came | Speak

Fission Mailed [20 May 2008|05:09pm]
I'm going to start raiding in WoW again.


Regression Line [12 May 2008|09:59pm]

I was going to post the lyrics to Nine Inch Nails's new piano ballad, Lights In The Sky, but I stopped myself.

It's an ambiguous, threatening, and "pretty" song, I guess, and I really like it.


Frustrating Reminder [11 May 2008|01:02am]

Explaining why I like the Feist album is very frustrating.

I Feel It All
My Moon My Man
Past in Present
One Two Three Four

That's a lot of songs to be ambivalent about on a single album. I'll listen to the music and really love it only to come back to it later and be all, "meh"; or I'll come back and choose a different song to be all in love with for completely different reasons a few hours later...


Something changed recently. I don't feel like myself. Yeah, there's been that whole awkward thing at work, and that "WELL OF COURSE" revelation that I can feel too strongly about and fail with a girl who isn't my ex - but that isn't the source of it, anymore. There's a buzzing noise in the background and it's becoming clearer, more familiar, and it's drowning out that normal up-and-down manic babble that's usually playing in my brain.

It's like I'm in between things to be obsessed about, but whatever in my head makes me obsessive isn't kicking over all the way. The starter isn't working or something.

I mean, I replaced one girl with another girl with another girl with another girl with another girl and with another girl by now, replaced whatever "ideal" I could work myself towards, and it feels like I'm just going through the motions. Maybe the starter is working, but the engine's having trouble running in this new environment - like if it were too cold.

My senses are sharper now than I ever thought was possible. I'm in the best shape I've ever been in, maybe. It's not all bad. At the same time, though, I still have a super-permeable subconscious that makes me act out what I'm thinking about when I'm not being directly watched by anyone.

I might also be a Mongol warlord, in a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy sort of way.

I'm lucid enough to have gone back to edit this entry at least three times, now.


A good example of what's different now, from my stories:
I can't free-assosciate plot points into note form like I could
but now I'm seeing and hearing things as they'd be in a final product, playing in a theatre somewhere.

I can't will the creative "process" into life, but I can randomly day-dream and almost-hallucinate new images and sounds from the same work.

It's really disturbing, honestly.


And don't get me started on the goddamned dreams. Any positive spin I could have possibly created by writing this would be nullified in an instant.


dedication [07 May 2008|06:42pm]
I'm a rabbit in your headlights
Scared of the spotlight
You don't come to visit
I'm stuck on this bed

Thin rubber gloves
She laughs when she's crying
She cries when she's laughing
Fat bloody fingers are sucking your soul away

- UNKLE, Rabbit In Your Headlights

I don't really like the fat bloody fingers line, but the rest of it is pretty apt.

2 Came | Speak

QUESTION [30 Apr 2008|05:25pm]


prepping [27 Apr 2008|04:26pm]

"Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy. Drained dry. I'm so sorry. Here: if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching? And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake... I... drink... your... milkshake! I drink it up!"


I can make parallels between the new season of battlestar galactica and my current "approach" to social interaction.

The last season was messy as hell; all these cheap plot elements were introduced, a sudden and dramatic religious overtone emerged as a new central theme to the plot, none of the disparate elements tied together... it's essentially the same as when I unchain and start spamming straight from the unconscious at someone. Doing  that isn't the same as james joyce stream of consciousness rambling (in a "pretty" but ultimately vapid and substanceless style) - it's to impose this artificial order on a random assemblage of events, ideas, and themes - and then to force it on some unfortunate person.

in this new season, all the the disparate elements work together in the individual episodes. While half of the show's plot threads in an episode may be completely ignored, or treated with a cursory ten second cutaway shot - the plot that IS in an episode works together brilliantly. More than that, there's some surprise left in the show; even the plot points that you see coming from a mile away are brilliantly executed, and the ones that you don't see coming are pretty shocking.

Basically, I failed miserably with a girl from work, but I simultaneously unlocked my full personality again, and now I am able to put together and create these great "plots" and character interactions with the people around me.

It helps that there's an element of danger and paranoid dread present, too, to move the overall plot forward. No conflict, no story.

10 Came | Speak

I, Stand, Corrected [24 Apr 2008|06:44pm]
 So close to unlocking my full range personality again. (ALL RANGE MODE)

One of the automatic and elaborate defense mechanisms I have involves locking away the more fragile parts of my personality behind a bunch of misanthropic and anger-powered barriers - an AGGRO FIELD, if you will. I apparently only power it down fully when there's the chance of getting with some girl; otherwise, it's completely out of my control and out of my hands.

So uh
moral of the story is, being mentally obsessive is okay if you can use it to prevent actual negative behaviors from manifesting?

also, this paragraph long attack on Emma, blah blah blah

1 Came | Speak

completion [21 Apr 2008|01:10am]
there are some who are programmed to think they are human
and they have a plan

it's not using someone if you're aiming for self actualization is it?


Prepared Speeches [20 Apr 2008|03:04pm]


at least I'm not writing an emo myspace blog

nothing's really changed for the last couple years
I'm just very good at coming up with intricate protective barriers that are near invisible
omnipresent, sure, but you can go an entire day without SEEING them directly

it seems like the layers of protection start acting erratic when I start pursuing some girl I like, though - they're gone one minute and then up and overcompensating the next

I manage to work myself into a frenzy like that

it's pretty rough


repost [31 Mar 2008|01:02pm]
45 pounds lost, maybe 50.

It's insane how different I look now, compared to before.

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